Learning to Live
September 7th, 2007 by Richard CockrumI’ve looked at my life a little. I’ve read. I’ve thought. I’ve observed my life, and the lives of the people around me. I’ve sat in the dark of night and the light of the day, letting my mind and body be still enough to take a peek at what lies beneath. Some of the things that seem to be true I talk about here, and to my children. Some of the things I talk about to my children, though only in actions, not words.
I joined the military after I got out of high school. One of my ideas of fun was learning how much I could drink when I wasn’t on duty without passing out. I did manage to learn how to black out. Before I got out of the service I stopped most of my drinking. It kept me from doing other things I wanted to do, and I saw the negative effects of excess on people I loved, including seeing two die in automobile accidents while driving under the influence. Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped. After I graduated from college I applied for a position as a therapist in a drug and alcohol clinic. They didn’t hire me because I wasn’t an alcoholic. Evidently the definition of an alcoholic includes not being able to quit on your own or not believing that once you’re an alcoholic, you’re always an alcoholic. I’ve often wondered why, if effective treatment of alcoholics requires you to be an alcoholic yourself, they don’t require psychotherapists to have schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
I’ve talked about being married and having children before. To date, between two marriages I have four children and two grandchildren. We laugh. We play. We yell. It’s not all pretty or sweet, and the parts that aren’t, hurt. The depth of shame that comes from acting less than your idea of what is good and right is amazing. Would I change any of it? No. Changes do come, whether we consciously will them or not. Though the change is a result of changes in us, we often hide it from ourselves by acting it out with the good people who have decided to dance their lives with us.
The point of the stories is that learning doesn’t come from just reading, listening, or watching. You have to jump in, get dirt in your fingernails, and sometimes in your mind. Dirt, whether physical or mental, does wash off. It isn’t a permanent part of who we are, and eventually, with discrimination and detachment, we learn to bathe.
We’ll feel shame at some of the things we do. We’ll do things we’re not proud of. We’ll look back and say What was I thinking? But shame is not regret, and regret is senseless. What we’ve done cannot be changed.
But we do need to take time to let our minds and bodies be still enough to take a peek at what lies beneath our history so we can understand how our image of ourselves and the world formed what we did and the situations we found ourselves in. Changing our beliefs, changing what we know is true, is the only way to create lasting changes in our lives and our world.
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September 7th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Rick,
One of my favorite phrases is “Learn from your past, but don’t live in it”.
What you said is spot on. Although having regrets about the past is pointless, it would be just as pointless to make what we consider to be mistakes, but then not to learn from them.
It is 100% true that the only moment that we have is the one that we are living in right now - the past and the future are irrelevant. However, by learning from our past, we can make our future a better place to be when we get there.
September 7th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Hi Aaron,
I like that.
I’ve only read the work of two of the modern channelers, Edgar Cayce and Jane Roberts. Seth, who spoke through Jane, used to put it as The point of power is in the present.
Have a great weekend.
September 7th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Very good thoughts Rick!
Our past reflects our current mindset and our current mindset will affect our future. Indeed, changing our belief and thoughts are the only way to create lasting changes.
September 8th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Hi Life Reflection,
This is one of those things that slips sideways in our minds. We’re born living it, but need a periodic nudge to wake us up and remember it.
September 9th, 2007 at 1:54 am
Rick,
What you said about your application to the drug and alcohol treatment center, and your ability to stop on your own, really hit home with me. While I absolutely give credit to the people who considered themselves diseased that helped me stop my own abuse, the ideas that you mention are (in my opinion) the biggest problems with getting real help to many who need it. While some of those who helped me were fellow travelers, some weren’t - and thank god I was open to listen to those who weren’t a part of the bandwagon.
Trying really hard not to rant in your comments box.
Thanks for the touching post.
September 9th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
An excellent post and one which makes me reflect upon my own past. I’ve always had the ‘bad’ habit of looking my past straight in the eye just to see if there’s any lessons I failed to learn from. What are experiences for if not to learn from? And we have a bit in common I see.
My father had a saying that I’ve always taken to heart and have done my best to live by which might apply here: “Don’t die before your dead.”
Here’s to full lives and the lessons learned. Thanks for the fine post!
September 9th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Rick,
Great thoughts. There is a serenity in accepting things we can’t change and just doing our best with “what is”. Can’t change the past but we can do our best in our “now”
September 9th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
[…] C has an excellent and touching post this weekend as he reflects on the past and the journey that has brought him here. I happened to […]
September 9th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
Hi Lyman,
If this was part of a rant, you’re welcome anytime.
Due to your comment, I didn’t write anything this morning. I spent it researching current thinking on addiction to make sure I’m not coming across as either uninformed or misinformed.
I found myself wanting to write a post in the comment box.
I have the greatest respect for twelve step type programs and the good they have done. From what little I know, they have been the most effective formal or semi-formal types of programs for addiction.
One case in point. I probably should have put this in the post, but one of the things that got me to quit was a dream. I was in a store to buy something to get stoned. There was another man and a baby in the store. We started pulling the baby between us, basically ripping it apart and killing it in the process. I woke up thinking that if I didn’t stop, the baby would be killed. The baby was, to me, an obvious symbol of the soul. I stopped habitual drinking shortly thereafter.
On the other hand, the best figures I’ve seen for treatment effectiveness for all addictions is 40-60%, and this includes counting people who stay on methadone as successfully treated. While saying people who are addicted to substances have weak wills or are sinful is notably ineffective, I can’t see how using a disease model is notably more effective.
September 9th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Hi KirkM, and welcome to Shards.
Your father sounds like a smart man. His words, and example, live on in you.
September 9th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Hi Karen,
No, we can’t change the past, or at least not the events of it. Learning to let go of it enough to say It is what it is, and go from there, is a difficult thing, especially when those around you don’t look at it that way. We have no right to expect them to, and that’s okay. Learning to accept the consequences of our actions and go forward is a key to freedom.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
Wow, now that’s a fascinating dream, Rick… thanks for sharing it!
When it comes to the disease model, I think it works because it relieves the addict’s feelings of guilt for being “sinful” or “weak”. Back when AA (the first 12-Step program) started, the concept was revolutionary. Of course, people also twisted it into “It’s not my fault, I’ve got a disease!” Been there and done that one myself.
The twelve steps have some great principles in them, but that’s really all they are - principles for creating a better life. The only part I have a problem with is the arrogance of some of the converted. Much like many religions, it’s become “Our way is the only way!”
Thanks again for the great post and follow ups.
September 11th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
I was very emotional reading this post while remembering my past. But I smiled when I read this sentence “They didn’t hire me because I wasn’t an alcoholic. ”
September 11th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
I’m glad it moved you, Reztar.
I can see the optimal want ad now