I'm so embarrassed.
I worked yesterday, then had a midnight show at the theatre for the opening of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Lady Glynis and I spent the evening preparing for the show. I was able to lay down for about half an hour, time during which I sponged out (what I usually call using progressive relaxation). The movie was good, and attendance was gratifying. It was a great night.
On the way home, at 3:30AM, Lady Glynis and I decided to stop at the 24 hour McDonald's drive-thru. We didn't see a special menu, so we ordered off the main menu. After letting us go through our complete order, the clerk told us they didn't have anything except the drinks we wanted. I asked what they did have to eat. He then told me there was a menu on the order kiosk. I didn't see one until I opened my car door and saw a small, unlit sign underneath the order kiosk. We ordered, then drove to the window to pay and get our order. As he got our change and drink, and we waited for our food, I complained to the clerk about the poor signage, telling him it was in a poor location, unlit, and too small. He said he wasn't responsible for it, he only worked there, and we would have to "write a letter to corporate". I said he could tell his manager customers were complaining about the poor signage. Again, his response was that he just worked there and it was up to us to write a letter to corporate.
Here's where I get embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. I have a hot temper. Normally, I can keep it directed in constructive directions. Not tonight. "You're a waste," I told him. "You're a waste," he replied. I pulled away from the window as he was saying something else negative and parked the car. I walked back to the window with our drink and our change, apologized for my words, and asked for my money back while telling him he shouldn't react to customers the way he had. This was another mistake on my part. I know better. You don't get along with someone or encourage them to act on your behalf by showing them how they are wrong, especially when you're being wrong in the process.
He volunteered to call the manager. I said that would be great. As we waited, he continued to defend his words, expressing his belief that he was right and I was wrong. I lost my temper, childishly throwing the drink on the floor. I apologized for doing so as he complained about having to clean up my mess.
The manager finally arrived. I apologized to her for my words and the drink, and went through the sequence of events that led to her arrival at the window. During this the clerk continued to defend his behavior, clueless as to what he was doing. The manager listened, shushing the clerk as he continued to talk while I spoke. She said that they had contacted corporate headquarters about the problems with the signage. I left, no longer hunger, disgusted with my own behavior, and unhappy with the entire incident.
Today I've written a letter of apology to the clerk, and sent a complaint to McDonald's about the signage and the clerk's behavior.
So why am I writing about this? Several reasons.
- While fatigue is no excuse for such behavior, it does enter into it. If you've ever worked the graveyard shift, you know that the hours between 3:00AM and 5:00AM can be a dead zone. No matter how long you've worked it, you never totally adjust. Even though you are physically awake, you are not totally awake and the reactive mind controls a great deal of your behavior if you are not careful.
- My behavior was atrocious. The most minor incidents can be lessons pointing up your weak spots. As soon as I started reacting, the inner observer was watching, but even from that vantage I persisted in my inappropriate behavior. On the bright side, when I was younger I would have persisted in the behavior for a long time, if only in my mind. As it was, within a few minutes the responsive part of my mind was in control again. It is so easy to fall into a reactive pattern rather than consciously responding to your life.
- Unlike how I reacted, if you are able to catch yourself in a destructive behavior pattern - stop. Take time to center yourself before continuing to engage in the situation. This gives you a chance to respond, rather than react. Look at how you were reacting. See the beliefs that are guiding your behavior. Work with them enough at that point to be conscious of what is happening.
- Follow up. Continue to work with the beliefs that led to the negative reaction. You want to replace them with a more productive set of beliefs, so that when you are in a situation in which you are reacting rather than acting, you can react in a positive manner. In this incident, the major beliefs I was operating from centered around the beliefs that you should be helpful to your customers and you should take responsibility for your corner of the universe. More to the point, "It should be easy for me to ask for what I want", "You should be responsible," and "You should treat me with respect." Note the shoulds here. Should often plays a central role in beliefs that lead to negative reaction patterns.
Don't be like me. Stay conscious.
[tags]beliefs, McDonalds, childish behavior, fatigue, reactive patterns[/tags]
Thanks for sharing this story...I relate to the post as I live in South Florida. As hurricane season amps up, people get frazzled. I do find myself getting angry- haven't thrown any sodas.
I love that you took ownership...it highlights what I wrote about in my own blog yesterday about the current energies at play. I don't know how I found your blog (it comes delivered to bloglines) but I certainly resonate to your point of view. Just stopping by to say thank you.
Rick,
You have proven that one of the hallmarks of truly great content is by relating what you are writing about to a real-life incident - especially your own.
You took a negative situation and not only did some introspection over the whole thing, but you put it out here for the world to see and learn, too.
Well done.
- Aaron
Hi Michele!
Well come. Related to your post - I'm a Gemini with a Sag Ascendant, Saturn in the first house square Mars in the fourth, with the Sun in the seventh house.
It is so easy to let ourselves get angry, especially in your area with recent hurricane history. We do need to wake up to what we feel, though. The only sure sphere of influence we have is our own thoughts, beliefs, and emotions.
Thank you for stopping in. You're welcome any time.
Hi Aaron, and thank you.
I know better than this incident shows. It is embarrassing. What we know, and what we do can be two different things, though. Stepping back, taking a look, and going forward is the only process I've found that works. Thanks for the reminder in your article. Without it, I may not have woken up as quickly as I did.
Would this qualify as a sixth sign that you're not getting enough sleep? Yes, you do know better; you know that you can't continuously push yourself to the max and still operate with efficiency. Take last night's incident as a learning experience; you're learning to respect that you need rest.
[...] 10) Shards of Consciousness - In an "after action review" of a less than positive moment in his life, Rick does a superb job of pointing out that making a mistake does not mean that you have to keep making the mistake, or that you can't learn plenty from the experience. Special props to Rick for sharing such a personal story with his post Should and Destructive Beliefs. [...]
Hi Rick,
I tried this comment before and my computer connection went down so if it came before just delete one or the other!
Aren't we all just "too human" at times? But if we can learn and grow from our mistakes, we become better for it. Sounds as if you did!
I was intrigued by the astrology reference in the comments. I am always interested and even more so lately. Long ago an astrologer told me some wonderful things about my future.
Definitely a sixth sign of not getting enough sleep, Carolyn. If I hadn't been overly fatigued, the incident wouldn't have happened. My body was definitely deprived. On the other hand, if the capacity wasn't within me the incident wouldn't have happened, either. It's kind of like software testing, where you test the margins of the software to see how well it is designed. I have a weak spot in my design here. :-)
Hi Karen! Only one comment came through, so the first one must of gone into the ether when you lost your connection.
I'm trying to learn from this. It wasn't pleasant, and said some sad things about me.
I used to be pretty involved in astrology. In the hands of a therapist, it can be a fantastic tool. There are few other tools that give you as much information about a person's personality in as short a period of time. I looked at predictions, but didn't work a lot with them with people I didn't know well. Generally, astrology shows what is going on in your head. Your world is the outer expression of your being (though I don't believe the world is totally subjective as one popular New Age belief has it), but the expression is idiosyncratic while lying within the scope of the possible manifestation of the astrological symbolism. Without knowing how a person is manifesting their self, I wasn't very good at predicting things in the physical world. Some astrologers are able to do so, but they are using more than what they see in the chart when they can do so consistently. Sounds like you got one of them, because you do have some wonderful things going on in your life.
If you do decide to study it, I recommend Robert Hand's Horoscope Symbols as a place to start. It's an excellent exposition of the planets, aspects, signs, and houses.
Cool! I'll check it out. In the mean time I think that I will just focus on and believe in what the astologer said back then. It was wonderful and empowering.
Have a great week! Thanks for being a friend out there in cyberspace!
Rick - you are one brave soul for sharing what you did. Bless you for modeling how to own up to one's own crap and make amends. We are all human. Dick Richards wrote a cool post on being willing to see the darkness, both within and without (http://syntaxandsoul.com/?p=37#comments). You made his ideas come alive in a very real way. Thank you!
Hi Deb,
Yes, we are all human, with the good and the bad of it. I hope someone is able to learn from my lesson. I hope I'm able to learn from my lesson.
Hi Rick,
I feel much respect for your willingness to share something that you're not proud of.
You know what strikes me the most when I read your post? There is like a pattern to it: You do something, then you judge your action, then you apologize. Then another action, another judgement, another apology. On and on and on, including this post itself.
Of course, this is not something unique to you, this is what many, many people do (and I certainly used to as well, for decades).
Basically, what you're saying about the situation and your actions is what you said to the clerk: "You're a waste".
But that's not true.
The experience led to insight for several people, including you, those involved in the incident and the readers of this blog.
There's a tendency to judge "negative" actions and then say, "At least I learned something from it and I will try to avoid it next time."
Well, you wouldn't learn this something from it if you avoided it, so how about appreciating it? And not trying to avoid it?
These reactions don't stop because we try to avoid them. You can try to be "conscious" all day long, and then, suddenly, boom, you just react.
That's not a mistake. That's an opportunity, just like everything else in life.
Within every reaction there's a hidden jewel. The reaction changes all by itself when you have found that jewel. And you won't find the jewel for as long as you judge and fight the place where it's hidden.
I'm not saying that we should act everything out.
I'm not saying that we should prevent acting out either. I totally agree with you that it's all about consciousness and beliefs. But you can't fight the latter. Sometimes you can transform them, and life helps you do it. Sometimes through what we judge as "negative behavior" and "reactive mode".
You say "Dont be like me. Stay conscious."
I hereby invite everyone to be like you. Be yourself, be honest in every aspect of your miraculous you. It's a great way of staying conscious.
:-)
Halina
Hi Halina,
This post got more of a response than I thought it would.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I do see where you are coming from. To hide from these corners of our minds is worse than useless. Part of the reason I posted it was so I could hold it up for examination, and so learn from it. To the extent that this helps me learn and transform these beliefs, I am grateful.
We do each have such pockets within us. I've never had much truck for excusing behavior on grounds of drunkenness, fatigue, or stress because these circumstances place us in a position where our beliefs can be enacted without censorships. If they weren't there, they wouldn't come out. It may be a fault in my mind, but I cannot see such behavior as a jewel. I am grateful for the opportunity to work with it, but not grateful that it is there.
What you say about action-judgment-apology is oh so true. I do have a need to apologize to people toward whom I've acted offensively, but then actual change must happen, using the circumstances for transformation, otherwise the apology is a sham. What is it they say about David - not that he did no wrong, but he never committed the same sin twice? :-)