Learn to Deal - Patience and Expectations

Someone a long time ago said In patience possess ye your soul. The first place I read it was in an Edgar Cayce book, but I don’t know if it was original with him.

Patience is the capacity for calmness and self-control, especially when you’re frustrated - a long line at the grocery store, rush hour traffic, 13 hours in a Chevette with four children (yes, I have done it. No, I don’t want to do it again.). In such circumstances it’s easy to feel the tension begin to creep in. Your jaw tightens. Your face gets warm. The inner harangue starts. Why can’t things move? What’s taking so long? Why can’t they keep still? Why do they have to yell? Why is everyone in front of me? I thought this was the express lane!

You get the idea. You know the feeling. Look at some of the examples, though. See the common thread? The frustration isn’t caused by the circumstance. It’s caused by what you tell yourself about the circumstance. Whenever you lose patience there’s a disconnect between what is happening around you and the way you think things should be. And you know what? You suffer the most from your impatience. Not the person you yell at. Not the person with whom you get angry. You.

I don’t know how many people over the years, both when I worked with people with developmental disabilities and now, when I work with senior citizens, have told me how patient I must be, and how special that is. It has nothing to do with me. It has to do with expectations, what I see as their capabilities. As I would often tell these people, “Talk to my kids. They’ll tell you how patient I am.” My expectations of them were different, and so I reacted differently to their actions.

Patience is a skill, a habit like any other. It can be learned. And if you want to be reasonably content, it will be learned. The key is in what you tell yourself, in your expectations.

1. When you feel yourself start to tense up, consciously take the time to relax. Breathe deeply, feeling the tension flow out with each exhalation, peace flowing in with each inhalation.
2. Distance yourself from the situation. Look at what is happening, including what is happening inside you, like you’re watching a play.
3. Look at what you’re telling yourself. I’m willing to guarantee it’s going to be one of the woulda, shoulda, couldas. You’re looking at what’s happening, and telling yourself it shouldn’t be that way, it could be different, and it would be different if that jerk hadn’t just cut you off, or if that other fool had the intelligence of an overripe turnip, or if the baby would just stop crying. Stop! Woulda, shoulda coulda doesn’t matter. What is, matters.
4. If there is something you can do to change the situation, do it. If there isn’t anything to be done, accept it. Try to find just one thing positive about your situation. Once you find one thing, you’ll find others. At one level or another you put yourself in this situation for some reason. Try to see what that reason is. You may never find it, but you’re spending the time more constructively than you would by wallowing in frustration.

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